sure, this is precisely what you believe it's going to be.
There had been a few definitely bizarre movements over the course of hip-hop's history which have directly or indirectly shaped our very theory of the style and its artists. There became "unintentional Racist," a Gob Bluth-esque rap/nation crossover with LL Cool J and Brad Paisley attempting to end racism. There become the 2nd Annual Vibe Awards stab-a-thon. There was even that one time Joe Budden sprinted at a stranger's moving automobile for speaking shit on Snapchat.
through the entire years, despite the fact, nothing has ever ventured into the a long way reaches of the rap universe quite like the July 2004 "sex subject" of XXL journal. In it, close to two dozen rappers have been surveyed on a variety of specific sex questions, in what can most fulfilling be explained as the top-rated, worst, most interesting, and frustrating survey in the heritage of civilization.
i know what you're considering: How could any of this be essential? Why am I penning this piece? Has the DJBooth body of workers been replaced with writers from… [feed cuts out]?
Yet, in some odd, weirdly justifiable way, this survey does matter. It's a infrequent, bare glimpse into the manner many of our favourite, least favourite, and forgotten rappers believe about a really own topic. It suggests us the most bizarre, unintentionally humorous, and even borderline irredeemable points of artists which have been in our lives for decades, and it's handiest right (correct?) that I provide you the service of ranking the best of their responses.
Shout out to Crisco Disco, who in 2014 ordered the situation from eBay for the only intention of importing these glorious pages to the internet.
The Ten Questions from the Survey:
How Do You decide Who You'll Have Anal sex With?Do you have got a huge Ol' Dick?On A Scale of 1-10, How Would you expense your self in bed?Do americans function improved in bed when they're Tipsy?Do You Wanna be aware of if your Mate Is cheating on You?have you Ever Paid for sex?What Does It Take so you might call a person A second Time?There's No more advantageous Love Than…Ropes or Handcuffs?Are White individuals Freakier?
Let's get into it.
#30: Juelz Santana on score himself in mattress:
"89, since it beats 10."
even though it's clear that math is Juelz potent go well with, the real greatness right here comes from his reluctance to stay inside the boundaries of the 1-10 scale, whereas also nonetheless managing to simplest supply himself a B+ on a self-accelerated 1-a hundred scale.
#29: NORE on using ropes or handcuffs:
"none of the above. That actually scares me after I'm requested to handcuff or tie any one up. The ultimate aspect i need in my existence is for me to handcuff somebody up and them go tell the authorities and say anything totally distinct than what it changed into."
although a stage-headed answer in regards to personal safeguard and trust, i will't help but ask yourself if NORE's frame of reference for this question became that Seinfeld episode the place George receives handcuffed by way of the prostitute.
#28: Khujo on if white individuals are freakier:
"I've heard that. but there's no improved love than Black p***y. rattling—right now speakme, I'm getting wood!"
someone mandatory to inform Khujo to calm the fuck down, and that this changed into a public surroundings.
#27: Trick Daddy on calling someone a 2nd time:
"If I referred to as them the first time, then I'll name them again. 'trigger if we alright, then that's the reason I called her."
This should still be a fortune cookie or a Snapple cap. handiest Trick Daddy may turn circular good judgment into some thing weirdly cognizant and self-aware that dissolves into nonsense fifteen seconds later.
#26: Talib Kweli on calling someone a 2d time:
"figuring out that she's receptive to my phone calls. If I suppose at all that she may not know who i am, or ain't checking, then I ain't gonna name."
Let me get this straight. The simplest nice Talib Kweli cares about when opting for whether to name someone a 2nd time is that the grownup he's already met and talked to remembers who he, Talib Kweli, a famous rapper, is? Yet, the handiest way he would be aware of no matter if or not she's receptive to his calls, or knows who he's, is for him to name her a 2nd time, which might THEN, in turn, fulfill his personal needs via the one proven fact that she spoke back to his name. I should be would becould very well be having a seizure.
#25: D-Roc (of Ying Yang Twins) on accomplishing anal sex:
"I don't like anal sex, i love oral intercourse. simply provide me some oral. There is too a whole lot shit happening out here nowadays."
Has anybody within the history of the realm ever really asked any person else for "oral"? also, D-Roc doesn't appear aware of his own punnery.
#24: J-Hood on procuring intercourse:
"I ain't gonna lie, yeah. not that time and again, though. 'cause in some states some of them women get down like that. They don't supply a fuck, they ain't tryna hear none of that shit. I not ever paid over $a hundred and fifty, and that's because I paid for like me and two of my mans."
J-Hood bragging about handiest spending $a hundred and fifty bucks for sex, split over three distinct encounters, is fairly astonishing. exceptionally if you adjust for inflation in 2004 and realize that even in 2017, that only comes out to $194.forty four spent on three encounters. I'm not an expert in this box, however that type of discount essentially seems bad from a fitness and wellness viewpoint.
#23: 50 Cent on if white folks are freakier:
"I've under no circumstances finished that, and might't wait to find out."
50 Cent responds to a question about sex with white girls the equal way you could respond to a person asking you what it's want to scuba dive or try a full month of Crossfit.
#22: Nate Dogg on anal sex:
"I don't try this. That jogs my memory of...Yuck. Poo-poo makes the sex nasty."
aside from the proven fact that Nate Dogg (rest in peace), probably the most catchiest songwriters in rap historical past, explains the hazards of anal intercourse in the equal, simplistic means Face from Nickelodeon would, it's much more unique to suppose of who, or what, Nate turned into thinking of before he trailed off. "That reminds me of...Yuck" is as big of a cliffhanger as a misplaced series finale, and the anal sex nostalgia that Nate Dogg experiences during this second is so nerve-racking, he literally can't utter the rest past "Yuck."
#21: Proof on the most suitable sort of love:
"Head on a boat."
They often say that genuine love is aware of no bounds. however, Proof (relaxation in peace) was right here to show to you that his very specific, area-particular classification of love would not adhere to the norms of normal romance. youngsters, he did not specify the category of boat, leaving quite a bit of of gray area.
#20: Talib Kweli on anal intercourse:
"That determination received't be made any time around me."
In all honesty, fairly a whole lot all of Talib Kweli's answers on this survey had been peculiar, as if he wasn't basically planning on participating, but become dragged into it on the closing minute. Yet, his top of the line providing got here when he replied to a question about anal sex the same way your interviewer's secretary responds should you name to ask about your job utility status.
#19: Masta Killa on anal sex:
"Making the brown eye blue? I ain't even into that."
I wish Masta Killa had used some of this same wittiness and creativity on his solo albums.
#18: J-Hood on performing more desirable in bed when tipsy:
"i do know I do. be counted of truth, before I have intercourse, I should have a bottle of Courvoisier. It gotta be within the stash somewhere and that i gotta have some haze. I wouldn't are looking to provide no person no half-job. Gotta get right so i will get the complete shazam going. I don't want them remembering me on no rubbish shit."
1. A bottle of Courvoisier, adopted with the aid of getting go-faded, greater than seemingly explains why J-Hood keeps procuring dangerously low-priced intercourse.
2. this is the handiest time in history that somebody pointed out their sex game as "shazam" that wasn't Champ variety from Anchorman.
three. J-Hood not looking individuals to be aware him for "rubbish shit" is an ironic observation.
#17: Trick Daddy on if he has a "big ol' dick":
"King ding-a-ling. I'm the champion."
not handiest are these conflicting titles, but "King ding-a-ling" has not been proven to be an genuine position of royalty. I'll continue to replace upon extra analysis.
#sixteen: Jadakiss on ranking himself in mattress:
"over the years, I've perfected the paintings. I try to give it to 'em. Eight and a half."
i will be able to't ascertain, but I don't accept as true with eight.5 out of 10 is technically considered perfect. I imply, Pitchfork gave Lil B's Black Ken an eight.5 out of 10. Jadakiss is, interestingly, the late-length Lil B album of love-making.
#15: Lil Wayne on if he has a "large ol' dick":
"That's what the girls inform me. I don't be aware of what's massive or small. I don't gotta put that mothafucka nowhere but a p***y. The p***y gotta tell me if it's big or small and the p***y always says it's exceptional."
Lil Wayne: The Vagina Whisperer
#14: Talib Kweli on if he has a "large ol' dick":
"Umm...sure."
a person verify Talib for a wire.
#13: Proof on paying for sex:
"Does it count in case you purchase somebody Burger King? I suppose that's low-level tricking."
I imply this with all due respect, but i'm hoping no person ever had intercourse with Proof.
#12: Juelz Santana on the most efficient sort of love:
"Me. 'trigger I do what I do like I'm doing this."
What i love most about this quote is that if you eliminated his identify from it, you could nevertheless tell, 100 %, that Juelz Santana talked about this since it appears like each Juelz Santana rap lyric ever written.
#eleven: Kurupt on the premiere type of love:
"Meagan first rate"
I think about Kurupt idea about his reply to this question long and tough. I graphic him, considering the entire wondrous facets of love, the most crucial moments and feelings we have when we're in it. Then I imagine the interviewer snapping him out of it, Kurupt rushing to locate an answer to the most advantageous sort of love, and him shouting out "Meagan first rate" like Brick Tamland, only for the interviewer to ask if he changed into simply looking across the room at posters and saying that he loves them.
#10: Kaine (of Ying Yang Twins) on ranking himself in mattress:
"I'm on terrible four. I'm spoiled and that i don't like to work that hard."
There are added facets awarded to Kaine for his brutal honesty and complete bed room apathy. It's also quite remarkable, even in assessment to other weird answers, like Kurupt asserting 20 zillion or Bizzy Bone announcing he turned into a virgin that couldn't be ranked, that a human being may well be in the negative. That ability that, whereas Kaine became asking ladies to "shake it like a salt shaker," he believed you may also literally get more sexual delight from refilling a literal salt shaker than having intercourse with him because of how lazy he is. Uncanny.
#9: J-Hood on if he has a "large ol' dick":
"I don't obtained a huge ol' dick. I bought a big ol' pipe. There's a change. Separate me from the other guys. A pipe is some thing that's long and fat. A dick is just something that may also be short, fat, lengthy—you don't know. With a pipe you know what you're getting."
J-Hood, the unanimous MVP of this sex survey, 360 dunks yet one more reply together with his dick-pipe equivocation. It's an odd reply, one in which you ask yourself if he hasn't already had that bottle of Courvoisier ahead of it, wherein he tries to justify calling a penis a pipe as an alternative of a dick because all pipes are "long and fats," in addition to stating that he is in sole possession of referred to pipe. i would like to element J-Hood over to a little mother and dad shop called domestic Depot; a place in which they literally sell pipes of all styles and sizes.
#8: Bone Crusher on buying sex:
"well, you do however you don't. when you go out, take them to dinner, go to the videos, purchase popcorn, then you definitely purchasing it. You're not like, 'here's $200,' however you recognize you spent $200."
Holy shit it's Bone Crusher.
Nevermind the terrible, insulting, and presumptive good judgment. apparently, if Bone Crusher takes you on a date to the motion pictures, it's a thirteen-hour affair, you're seeing seven movies, and he's paying $200 price of tickets and popcorn.
#7: Kurupt on eager to be aware of if your mate cheated on you:
"I trip with Mario Winans. I don't wanna comprehend 'cause once I do, I'm beating all and sundry up."
If Kurupt is cheated on, he's essentially beating the shit out of you no remember your role within the ordeal. Have an affair with Kurupt's female friend? You're getting beat up. You're the dad of the guy that slept with Kurupt's lady friend? You're getting beat up. You're the man who works at Subway who served the guy who had an affair with Kurupt's girlfriend before he went and had an affair with Kurupt's female friend? You're getting beat up.
#6: Babs on if SHE had a "large ol' dick":
"smartly, i might hope Chingy has one. i admire Chingy, his whole trend. I'll make him develop up. I consider Jay-Z does 'cause Beyoncé's with him. Baddest chick within the game ain't wearing [his chain] for nothing."
because this survey legitimately appears like the remaining time we ever heard of Babs from MTV's Making Da Band, her reply here appears critical. not best does she confirm (???) a element with Chingy, however then reverses that into an off-the-wall compliment about his vogue. The now not so subtle JAY-Z jab can additionally now not be disregarded. convey Babs lower back.
#5: Kurupt on whether white folks are freakier:
"No, they ain't obtained shit on these Black girls. Black ladies are the one. once you go black you in no way go lower back. Blacks and Puerto Ricans. Let me take it returned, Puerto Ricans are the most desirable."
Kurupt can also, basically, be one among Donald Trump's speechwriters, come to believe of it.
#four: Pastor Troy on if he has a "huge ol' dick":
"I've been far and wide dragging this dick around occurring 26 years. Yeah, I got a big ol' dick."
however one of the vital difficult rappers of this whole survey, Pastor Troy's answer about his penis paints him as a Christ-like determine, burdened along with his "big ol' dick" like a go for 26 struggling years, and the one who subsequently died for the sins of all those stricken with a big ol' dick after him. A tragic story, in case you think about it.
#three: Lil Wayne on wanting to recognize in case your mate cheated on you:
"I really don't. I suppose like that's what it's about, in case you're gonna cheat, that's what you're doing, not getting caught. It's like playing basketball—the goal to cheat is to now not get caught. Asking that question is like asking, if you're playing basketball, do you really wanna make a shot? I really don't wanna recognize, 'trigger as soon as I do find out it's over. We ain't figuring out nothing."
in case you lookup the phrase "be aware vomit," it's likely simply a right away hyperlink to this tire fireplace of a response. After reading this, I'm close to 1,000 percent sure that Lil Wayne has both never played or considered basketball performed, or has not ever made an analogy in his whole existence.
#2: Gipp on anal intercourse:
"I don't have no anal intercourse. I don't do no dookie chutes. I don't touch the ass at all. however I'm now not asserting there's anything wrong with it. I've been taught from girls that girls couldn't don't have any orgasms from anal sex—however they can. I'm not tripping off people who wish to try. just the inaccurate stream might send a surprising pain as much as somebody to where that someone could be like, 'Naw. Hell no.'"
I in reality tried to focal point on the rest of Gipp's response here, about his thoughtfulness concerning the hazards of anal sex, as well as his teachings from girls about the feminine orgasm throughout his existence. Yet the most effective factor I maintain coming returned to... is... "dookie chutes."
#1: Fabolous on ranking himself in mattress:
"I don't wanna say a 10 as a result of I don't be wildin' out. I believe to be a ten you gotta be free to do anything. I'm basically not free to do anything. due to the fact that I've gotten into this lil' world, I'm not gonna lie, I've gotten lazy. I still put in work, nevertheless it's in reality made me lazy. you could't blame me. They gave me the ammunition to be like this. Like, most girls are like animals. I'm no longer basically an animal anymore. i love sex just like the next man. after I'm inclined to position in work, I'm an eight-and-a-half. however occasionally a man just wants to get off a nut, so that you're no longer putting your all into it. but there are occasions for those who wanna make an impact. Or if there's a woman who's gonna provide you with here all, you wanna hold her down."
This quote, greater than the entire others, stands atop the rankings because I'm relatively definite Fabolous had an existential crisis midway through his personal response. Whereas many of the rappers in this specific part had numbers that weren't on the size, numbers that didn't add as much as their response, or simply asked for a completely new scale, Fabolous had a genuine moment of self-reflection. It become bizarre, halfway sympathetic, and oddly hilarious that he managed to dig so deep on a simple one-observe answer and come out the other aspect with self-deprecation and nuance. somebody give that man a hug.
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