And so! sparkling from closing week's nothing-brief-of-successful column, here we are again.
last week's column was so lauded and completely agreed with by everybody, which tipped South Sydney for the wooden spoon, Saints for 2nd-last, and Brisbane for ninth and which stirred up such very normal 'passion' among rugby league fandom that one fellow wrote me, "You need to must be the worst journalist ever", that we most desirable do it again and make a huge fats expert guess upon who's going to make the correct eight during this dear sweet season of our lord Rocket Reddy, 2018.
And breathe.
and skim.
eight. Parramatta EelsJarryd Hayne, they are saying, has on no account expert. no longer complicated, anyway. He's simply been so first rate on the lower back of his herbal freak means that he's simply turned up and appeared like a bored teenage cool girl.
Jarryd used to run about as a child with Israel Folau in Minto, and massive Israel, who played for Melbourne Storm aged 17, observed it was Jarryd who changed into the freak, not him.
And lo did we now not surprise at Hayne airplane's man magic in 2009 when he became like Ellery Hanley in 1988 except hundreds better, hot-pronking about carving up this man's NRL on how to a grand last out of eighth. They were heady days indeed.
however now not the now, child. now not the now.
Now the Eels want Jarryd Hayne to be fit and firing and operating about because, smartly, now he's very historical. bound, he's most effective simply 30 – indeed the day before today; satisfied birthday Hayne aircraft – however he's historical in footy participant years. this is his 12th season. After this, they shoot you.
(furnish Trouville © nrlphotos.com)
And he's not alone. The Eels have a lot of ancient gamers with calves and hamstrings like fat rubber bands within the sun, like Michael Jennings, a gun, however ancient; Tim Mannah, Beau Scott and David Gower, all difficult guys all however all ancient; and Brad Arthur, who is awfully historic.
Admittedly Brad Arthur's the coach and won't play for Parramatta Eels, but remaining time the Eels went for a practicing run Brad Arthur, forty three, beat Jarryd Hayne, 30, home. actual story.
The Eels do have some tremendous-hot players, although, and Mitchell Moses and Corey Norman feeding Clint Gutherson and Bevan French huge is all to the decent.
you adore staring at Parra for no rationale aside from seeing Kenny Edwards get all loopy-eyed and chippy and charging into packs of his opponents celebrating his own team's tries. this is excessive freakin' comedy.
but there's no greater semi-trailer rah-rah-rah, and that'll be all she wrote for Parra, who'll limp out of the semis in September at the hands of Cronulla Sharks. I foresee it.
(photograph via Matt King/Getty images)
7. Melbourne StormYes! The Storm! Curse your eyes, Melbourne Storm, who will make the eight but received't win the competition. because it's over. because every little thing at last is. No man is an island. And Cooper Cronk is a rooster.
And though Craig Bellamy's average successful list with Storm is whatever thing like sixty two per cent, his successful listing when teaching groups with out two of this big Three within the XVII is something like 25 per cent. I asked stats man David Middleton about it.
Hell sure, he's a cracking instruct, the Bellyache, and there's whatever in the Yarra River water for sure. however – and Bellyache will inform you this also – it is extremely good avid gamers who make coaches first-rate, no longer the wrong way round. Now he's lost one in all his weapons and the other two are 35 on the identical day in June this yr.
And it's over, baby. It's over.
(AAP graphic/Paul Miller)
6. Manly Sea EaglesNow, I live up Manly means, now not a 15-minute walk from the Brookvale hotel – I mean Oval or Blottoland or anything they've christened dear candy Brookie. I'll in no way call it after the gambling company. The pokies are worse than heroin for dependancy and are root cause of more ills in our society than the entire medication.
however outdoor of constructing them unlawful and/or inserting them in the on line casino best, as they do in Perth, which doesn't want filthy poker laptop cash from golf equipment to sponsor its footy clubs, it appears we need to ought to put up with them and their damage – and their renaming of Brookie.
Woah, a bit of a tangent there, wot? i can get off on one for Australia speakme about pokies, the horrible insidious blinking bastards. They may root Australia for Australia.
Anyway, yes – I live somewhat near Brookvale Oval and there are a number of fellows from golf who I count as chums and who guide the local seabirds, and so I'll select my phrases very carefully when describing Manly's premiership aspirations in 2018.
they've none.
Don't bother.
It's over.
N. O. N. E.
None.
well, they've aspirations. everybody has aspirations. I'd want to be paid extra to pump out this jibber jabber, for one. but that received't ensue, will it? and kind of similarly Manly received't win season 2018 as a result of Manly, neatly – how does one sofa this? – sucks. That's correct. They suck.
really, no, they don't. They're good. but they'll most effective run sixth.
5. Cronulla SharksThe Sharks are so old they make the Eels appear to be Justin Bieber's unborn little ones from the longer term. So ancient they voted on the right of girls to vote. So historic they remember the place they were when Jesus landed on the moon.
maybe no longer that old. And that may also not have even came about. however nonetheless, these Sharks are very historical americans.
That Paul Gallen continues to stroll with out a frame, a whole lot less cart the Steeden into the meat of NRL meat-mashing land, is very nearly cute. Bully for him, the mad historical bastard. The Gal's like Cliffy younger powering right down to Westfields.
Watch him, the Gal, carting it up three times a group.
The Gal, tackled with the pill on the sixth after a typical head-down barge and Valentine Holmes un-marked out broad.
The Gal, milking penalties that don't arrive.
(AAP graphic/Craig Golding)
If Ray price turned into Mr Perpetual action, the Gal is a Mr Crash and Burn Dummy. A head for radio. And boxing. And boxing radio.
And Luke Lewis is older once more. He's Winston Churchill historic. He turned into in the Boer struggle. He's a hundred and ten years old.
besides the fact that children, the Sharks do have Andrew Fifita, and he can play. He's eely and large, our Andrew, and makes many metres.
They even have Josh Dugan, Wade Graham, and Trent Hodkinson. And Matt Moylan. And Chad Townsend. And Valentine Holmes is in reality respectable. truly, they're a bit tasty, the Sharks.
What have I received 'em? Fifth? doubtless right.
For if 2016 changed into one small step for man, one massive jump for Harold Holt's electricity invoice, then 2017 become a bridge too a long way on the boulevard of damaged desires, and metaphors like that.
And so the Sharkies have been rumbled out within the first week of the finals through Cows, who would rumble Roosters and Eels, no disgrace in it.
No-one's defended a premiership when you consider that the Broncos of 1993 – now not even Melbourne Storm, who've had some groups you might scarcely consider.
(AAP photograph/Dean Lewins)
4. Penrith PanthersFourth? These Penny Panthers? These Blue Mountains cougars who've lost Matt Moylan and Bryce Cartwright? With Tyrone Peachey signed to Gold Coast?
yes. These Penny Panthers.
and not because of the game's gun young halfback Nathan Cleary, who should still play starting place in 2018 – he's really, in reality decent.
and not as a result of their ahead pack sports such large cellular brutes as James Tamou, Trent Merrin, Reagan Campbell-Gillard and Isaah Yeo. There's one other double-barrelled one i will't be arsed Googling. a person Fisher.
and not on account of a returned division sporting such flying black-bearded stallions as Josh Mansour, Dallin Watene-Zelezniak, Dean Whare and Waqa Blake.
and not even as a result of Peter Wallace continues to play fringe foundation footy and contact the ball greater than any person and bring best capsule to huge guys and small.
No. even though they're all great factors, these Penny Panthers slide into the T4 of this Telstra premiership as a result of they've signed one man: James Maloney. Winner.
He turned into at Storm and learnt from Bellamy. on the Roosters, he won the premiership. He won it at Cronulla, too. He's won beginning video games.
He simply wins, Jimmy. And he talks straight check with boy-men. and that they like him. and that they pay attention. And that's why they signed him. And that's why they'll run fourth.
(AAP photo/Dave Hunt)
3. Sydney RoostersCooper Cronk? Tick.
James Tedesco? Tick.
Pack filled with meat-consuming madmen who love to dominate their enemies and listen to the lamentations of their women? Tick, tick, tick, growth.
a number of ticks for the Bondi Chooks, and they'll win puh-lenty in 2018 on the again of the game's celeb seven, and celebrity one, and out of doors backs – Blake Ferguson, Latrell Mitchell, Daniel Tupou – who can bounce and plant and score for Australia.
And yet, when you do like Jake friend within the nine – he'll tackle a pack a day, and run nifty metres out of dummy-half – you think that the Roosters are missing that ultimate golden vertebra in their spinal column. To wit, an all-operating ball-playing megastar quantity six.
Will that be Lachlan Lam and Ryan Matterson? perhaps. however hasn't been yet.
So. You like the Chooks. but not adequate. no longer quite adequate.
(picture by Mark Kolbe/Getty images)
2. North Queensland CowboysYes, they might run off with the whole thing for sure. They're miraculous, the Cows, and they possess the game's top-quality participant arguably ever – I'm nevertheless a Wally Man, and others are Joey men, and those of Luke Lewis' old still talk in hushed tones about Clive Churchill, who they known as the 'Little grasp', a dialog for once more.
For now, it's the excellent Cows, whose run within the finals ultimate 12 months turned into so good they almost pulled off the whole component without the video game's top-rated prop and halfback.
And now they've introduced Jordan McLean to a stellar forward pack led through superhuman rampaging ruckman Jason Taumalolo and reborn Matt Scott.
The again division activities the ever-bad Lachlan Coote in the one and funky Hand Luke in the six, the spectacular Michael Morgan.
and of course, there's the champion, Johnathan Thurston, in the seven – a person who'll play and play and play after which play some greater and gained't cease playing for therefore lengthy after the closing whistle that ground officials are compelled to make use of tasers to immobilise him. Champion.
And these are your in all likelihood champions. And yet…
(AAP picture/Dave Hunt)
Premiers: Canberra RaidersBecause it's my column.
And that's all she wrote.
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