Wow. it be been a long time on the grounds that I remaining posted on right here. i am sorry to all my dedicated lovers who assess this web page daily for any updates. i'm lazy. So today, instead of writing some thing new, I figured i'd recycle my notes section on my iPhone. These are one of the crucial stupid concepts I've had that aren't rather humorous satisfactory to make it as a tweet:
Can you change to atheism?
Does any individual understand why I've all started liking the smell of my toes?
Can't spell failure with out "u" "r" "a" (okay, I cheated. I made this a status once).
He's had greater sex in the past month than I've had in my total lifestyles. neatly, i will be able to say that about any person who's had sex this month.
looking at feminine audience members going home with male comics is basically inspirational.
variety of rude when someone assumes I don't need my penny of exchange. also form of impolite when somebody assumes I do.
asserting I've not ever been damaged up with makes me sound a lot cooler than announcing I've by no means dated any individual.
You remember that MTV lie detector demonstrate when a lady claimed she had under no circumstances farted?
Is it passive-aggressive of me to express regret to my roommates for being passive-aggressive?
they are saying beautiful people are symmetrical, but what if they are symmetrically gruesome?
I had a sex dream nevertheless it wasn't sexy in any respect.
that you can best make fun of someone unless it's a diagnosis.
CVS cashier to co-employee: "should you get a chance we want some extra singles". Uhhhh... I'm correct right here.
may still I bring my business cards to pace relationship?
Ugh I wish I have been an optimist. I'm the sort of pessimist.
New shirt, new shoes, new complications.
on occasion on stage I get definitely paranoid that the viewers is laughing at me.
I should stop babysitting children over the age of 5, because they're all so assured about their competencies. Having me query the way to spell my name. What similar twins are. If Colorado is a state or a city.
I've worked with 200+ youngsters. one of them is gonna be a assassin.
When youngsters go to the doctor and discover their percentile, what if they additionally discovered how hot they'll be when they may be older?
My favorite element to do is tell national travelling stand-up headliners that I can give them some comedy suggestions.
friends to me when a comic turns me down for a date: "Dude. You're so a great deal funnier than them". Me: "Yeah i know. Thanks. You at all times know what to assert".
Az quickly az I lirn the way to spel, or not it's over fur you hows.
As soon as I learn the way to finish a sentence, or not it's...
Me: "I should go. I have to rise up at 7:00 the next day". pal: "I ought to get up at 6:00!" Me: "Yeah. I make improved life selections than you. What's your factor?"
when I'm noted I desire an album of the entire pix I'm in the background of.
possibly if they cease making videos about fat ladies discovering their authentic beauty and getting the sizzling man despite their appears, fat ladies won't be so worried that they don't seem to be alluring.
i used to be concerned that a person would put medication in my food, however then I discovered medicine are basically costly and nobody is handing out free cocaine within the fun dip.
sure. That typo is what's combating my tweet from getting likes.
I used to whinge about my pimples, and my chums with acne would aspect at their faces and roll their eyes. Then I'd say it seemed natural on them, however become out of vicinity on my dermis.
Jesus died a long time in the past but boy do individuals nonetheless discuss him. I wouldn't intellect dying now if every person agreed to discuss me at least as soon as every week.
There you go! it really is been my iPhone notes area. Hope you loved studying my dumb recommendations. Please comment under with a few of your dumb strategies that have not made it out of your notes part. possibly you wonder what breast milk tastes like. As somebody who once lactated as a facet effect of a medicine, i will let you know it be salty.
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